Saturday, December 13, 2003
Not Alone
Posted at 12/13/2003 10:37:04 pm by Samantha

I'm really glad that I'm not alone.  I've met a few people who can relate to me, and it feels good to know that I'm not the only one on this planet in a similar situation.

I found a good quote from
May's blog today.  It's from Dr. Suess.
      "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind."

I really like that.  It made me think.  I mean, if you stop and think about it, it's true.  I never thought I'd see anything from Suess besides the red and blue fish, but if you look beyond the striped hats and the green eggs, you find a lot of deep stuff, you know?  Never thought I would, but...

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Monday, December 08, 2003
Posted at 12/8/2003 6:23:00 am by Samantha

My sleep schedule is really screwed up.  Even more than before.  It's not unormal in the slightest for me to go to bed at like 8:30 in the morning, and wake up at like 4:00 in the afternoon.  Cantr's totally screwing me up.  But I love it.  LOL

I don't know why I'm laughing.  Because I'm not.  I never laugh.  I don't even like Christmas anymore.  Mom's putting the stuff up right now.  I just think it's a waste of time.  I mean, no one's going to see it but us, and it's a waste of electicity.  And it's annoying.  Thank god she didn't insist on buying a tree.  That'd really be annoying.  And I'm cold.  And tired.  And I want to go to bed.  But I keep just, staring at my computer screen idley....waiting for something to happen.  It never does.

Mom just came in here and said "I hate that you don't love Christmas."

I'll tell you.  I'm like the Grinch meets the insane asylum.  And mom listens to this annoying radio show that's really staticy and there's too much static.  I'm getting really annoyed.

I'm having a craving for Ben and Jerry's.  Mom said if I go out and get her gas in the snow that she'll get me breakfast.  Ben and Jerry's if the drive-throgh store has it.  Unless I want to go in somewhere.  Let's think.  I haven't gone in a store in months.  So do you think I'm going to go in Kroger's to get ice cream in my pajamas when I don't even have a coat?  No.  I don't think so.  I don't even think I want to get her gas.  I mean, it won't kill her to get her own gas for once in like, 3 years.  Will it?  No.  It won't.

And I'm in a pissy mood.  Really.  I just want to go to sleep.  I think I might.  It's too cold to be up.  I'm like shaking I'm so cold.  And heat is too expensive.

I hate being poor.

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Posted at 12/8/2003 6:01:25 am by Samantha

All I do ever is sit on my butt.  Always.  Nothing else.  I play Cantr, I work on my site, and do graphics.  And frankly, it gets old sometimes.  But what else is there to do?  Seriously?  See?  NOTHING!!!  Ever!!

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Sunday, November 16, 2003
Posted at 11/16/2003 12:27:14 am by Samantha

My sleep schedule is all screwed up.  I went to sleep at 7:30 this morning, and didn't get up until 4:00 this afternoon.  And I have a headache.  And I'm pissed I can't figure transparent frames out.  But on the plus side, I made a flash intro for my site.  I've always wanted one.  And I'm learning Swish.  I have a bunch of SWF's that I've been playing around with.  And dad sent money today.  Which is very good.  And I'm cold.  Which is bad.  But it's okay.  But my speakers aren't working for some reason, which means I can't figure out how to embed sound files in my flash.  Which sucks.  But anyway...okay, there's nothing to say.  Except I'm addicted to Cantr.  I think that's why I can't sleep right.  I don't know.

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Friday, November 07, 2003
Just a Little Blahness
Posted at 11/7/2003 2:31:48 am by Samantha

Just feeling blah.  That about sums it up.  Blah.  Blah blah blah.  Blah blah.  I'm just so cold I can't think straight.  I don't know what to say...just...making graphics makes me want to write for some reason.  Here's one of them that I'm working on.

Poke Picture

And there's another one, but it's too big.  The link's here.  But...yeah.  They're not great, but ::shrugs shoulders::

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Thursday, November 06, 2003
Posted at 11/6/2003 10:17:54 pm by Samantha

Just people just troll the recently updated blogs list and yell about it?  It sure as hell seems that way.

Anyway, it is so damn cold here.  We still haven't turned on the heat yet...we're scared of the bill.  The phone's the bill that's supposed to be turned off this month--I think on the 10th.  Mom's most likely going to borrow from me again so we can juggle the utilities.  I don't mind, I mean, I'd rather have the phone on, I just hope I have enough to get Poser. 

I've been listening to Stripped a lot first new CD in a while.  Christina Aguilara really is good now.  I used to hate her--I could tell she wasn't being herself.  Well, not that exactly that, but I just didn't like that pop-ish thing.  She has an amazing voice.  Good and powerful, with a nice tone.  Her songs are amazing too.  I like 'Walk Away' the best.

I'm planning to update my website tonight, but who knows if I'll get around to it.  I hope so.  I have some graphics I want to upload to show people--especially the ones who have been wanting to see them so I can get some more freelance jobs.  I just feel a little blah right now...wanting to do some graphics but don't feel inspired.  I'm off to play Cantr now, I'll probably write again later, after I get out of this mood right now.

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Wednesday, November 05, 2003
This Idiot Commenter
Posted at 11/5/2003 11:19:40 pm by Samantha

Oh I swear to god.  This idiot posted a comment about how I need to 'grow up' referring to my last entry.  People make me sick.  If they knew why I do what I do, then they'd realize that them whining about how I don't deserve for someone to buy me clothes in the first place.  I was mad because it's not like I wear clothes that often.  I have no where to go.  When I do, I want them to fit.  And look decent.  It just totally pisses me off that they are just so ignorant as to my life.  I mean, my god!  If someone went through what I went through in the last year and they were only 13 and they hadn't had their medicine in 2 days because they couldn't afford it, then I think they'd get why the hell I am the way I am.  So don't comment anymore if all you're going to do it bitch and yell about how I should be 'appriciative' of someone buying me clothes at all.  And for the record, I didn't ask for them in the first place!!!  Especially from ann.  So just quit bitching about something you can't change.

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Depressed as Hell
Posted at 11/5/2003 6:47:10 pm by Samantha

I had ordered some clothes from Delia's, well, rather, I had some on my wishlist that I liked--I had picked them out a while ago.  So mom e-mails ann and tells her that I need some clothes, which I do.  So she ordered me 3 pairs of pants and a coat.  As I'm bringing up the trash can today, I saw the box.  Part of me was happy, because mom had told me some of the stuff on the list.  And part of me was sad, because lord knows I just love trying on clothes.  ::rolls eyes::  So I bring it inside as mom's leaving, acting all excited.  We go in her room to open it, and we took out the coat first.  Of course, as luck would have it, it was tight.  What else is new?  ::shakes head::  I hate being fat.  Anyway, so we put that aside and bring out a pair of pants.  From the outside of the bag, it doesn't look like the pair of pinstripe pants that I've been wanting.  They aren't dark grey with white stripes, they're solid black.  We put them aside to see the others.  I pulled out a pair of green cargo pants, which I hadn't wanted.  I said it wasn't on my wishlist, and mom said it was.  It very could have been, since I hadn't updated it in a while, but that doesn't mean I still want them.  From the way she had made it sound, it was the pair that I had been wanting for a year--but to my utter disbelief, ::rolls eyes:: they weren't there!  What a surprise!  And there were a pair of jeans we didn't look at because there was no way someone could screw up ordering a pair of jeans.  But of course, ann has to always prove us wrong.  When mom left the room to go to work, when I thought she was walking out the door, I broke down in tears.  Can nothing ever be right??  Does everything in my pathetic life have to suck?  After I thought she had walked out the door, when she said bye.  I hadn't expected it, so I couldn't hide that I was crying when I said bye back.  She came in and said she was sorry that the list wasn't right, and that at least the jeans were good.  I didn't stop crying, but I held back a lot of it and said that I guessed so.  When she really left, I laid back on the bed and cried for a minute, the decided to look at the clothes and see what she had actually ordered.  I reached for the green cargo pants, and carefully opened the bag for it so if it was crap we could return it.  They looked decent to an extent, so I decided to find out and try them on.  But there was a buckle on it, and I couldn't for the life of me get it undone.  This frustrated me even more, and I cried for like 3 minutes.  Then I reached for the bad with the black pants in them, to see what the hell she had ordered instead of the ones I actually had wanted.  They were neat, and I remember liking them before, but for god's sake they were capri's!  The first thing wrong with this is a.) I don't wear any pants besides long ones.  Like over my socks long.  At least.  B.) is that it's winter for god's sake!  Who wears capri's in winter--in the midwest??  I swear to god she's nuts.  Anyway, after being pissed about that, I decided to look at the jeans.  On the outside, I saw that it was a 30" inseam.  It should have been 32".  But I figured that if they looked right, they were tolerable.  I pulled them out and thought they looked a little small for my size.  Guess what?  They were!  Who could have guess that ann would have made such an obvious mistake?  ::rolls eyes and shakes head::  And, if they were even halfway similar looking sizes, then I maybe could understand a little more.  But of course, no!  Instead of my usual loose 19/20, she bought me a size 1/2!  1/2!!  How the hell can someone confuse a 19/20, with a 1/2!!  I swear to god....::screams::  Anyway, this may give you a little clue as to why I hate my step mom most of the time--one of the many reasons why I do.  It's as if she's trying to piss me off on purpose!!  It just makes the fact of how fat I really am even more obvious!!

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My name is Samantha. I am 13 years old, and have been diagnosed with both bipolar disorder and depression since Februrary 2003. Since was I terribly depressed, I missed most of that month and the next. When spring break rolled around, I never came back. I was afraid to leave the house, I sat inside all day, I'd cry for hours on end and not know why or be able to stop, and I gained some weight. I slowly came out of the deepest depression of my life over the summer, and was excited to go back and be in 8th grade. They wouldn't let me. Now I go to school on the computer this year. I have hardly any friends, and no social life. This is my diary to let my feelings out.

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